Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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