It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
