apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
