my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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