I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
