I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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