dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
