if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
birth control should be required to get into college
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
