those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
