please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
