I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
