what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
