I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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