The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i came on her dog
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
