he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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