Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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