Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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