What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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