his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize