my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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