I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize