69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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