sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
