I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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