I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
