The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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