I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
