I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
