Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
