please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We have started to decorate penises.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I need water and some morals
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
