he wants to bone in the snuggie
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
