I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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