My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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