I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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