she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
