we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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