spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
