her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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