You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
