I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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