how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
