I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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