he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
