I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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