I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
