just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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