It was confusing and full of hummus
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
