our cab driver is having phone sex.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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