hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
