i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
