I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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