she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Let's get the cat blown out
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
