Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
