My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
