wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
