The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
