Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
