see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
