how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
