I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
