My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
